THE MEASURE OF A MAN

"I exist not to be loved and admired, but to love and act." "It is not the duty of those around me to love me." Rather, it is my duty to be concerned about the world, about man." ~ Janusz Karczak 

This quote sits on my desk, but I feel it perfectly describes one of the greatest men I have ever known. As the eldest son of his family, my uncle always felt a sense of love and duty to others, especially his family. Unfortunately, a tragic event for his family would occur, and leadership was desperately needed. Being the eldest comes with being an example to the younger siblings, it is usually the natural order of life or expectation. The call to lead does not come with an angelic host of angels, it comes with seeing the need or opportunity. Nevertheless, the path of our lives will impact others for either good or bad, the choice is directed by your own feet. Blame can not be placed upon anyone else, your feet will follow what you believe? 

“When love and duty are one then grace is within your soul.”~Shannon L. Adler

What is in your heart? What moves your soul? It is not only a matter of personal choice but of personal conviction. So, the question emerges who are listening to, your mentor in life, who are you following? Even more so, who are your friends or the ones who dine with you? Even the ones who break bread with you; may not have your best interest at heart, remember even Judas dined with Jesus and the disciples.  Is it interesting how Judas is always remembered for his betrayal, not being a part of the twelve? 

During his teenage years, my uncle happened to fall in love with a beautiful young woman. Her family was aware of my uncle's feelings and affection for their daughter, it was granted at the proper time to date. He respected her parents' wishes when he could date her, but her parent's love and duty to their Savior impacted him. From his future father and mother-in-law, my uncle was loved unconditionally by this family to fulfill the greatest need of any man - to be loved by God. Out of this love, my uncle felt compelled not only to serve the Lord but others. Responsibility, leadership, character, integrity, and love were carefully chiseled not only from the trauma of his childhood but transformed upon the saving grace of Jesus Christ. 

What is the measure of a man? It is a question debated by scholars, philosophers,
or great thinkers throughout the world but God's Word states the truth. Although it is not the most popular book in the Bible, 1 & 2 Kings or 1 & 2 Chronicles it has a proper order and purpose to chronicle the lives of the kings of Israel. Either two things could be said of the kings: he did what was evil in the sight of the Lord or who did right in the sight of the Lord. Out of all the records, only eight did right in the sight of the Lord. 

The measure of a man can be debated by man, but it will not be judged by man but by God alone. Our opinions may vary, our measurements may differ, and our hearts can be easily misled due to appearance, wisdom, or strength, man looks for a measurement to compare or compete. 1 Samuel 16: 7, "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at.  People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 

The heart of man is the most perplexing but it is the most truthful instrument of what a person believes, their words will reveal it. Sadly, people are not educated enough to understand this principle or heed the truth of Jesus. Words of a man will not only reveal the character of the man, but integrity as well. Both need to be evaluated to verify the person is worth following or even knowing, a person needs to ponder this. If we just say it is my life who is it hurting? We neglect not only our responsibility but misguide others in the process. A lack of maturity may be the reason, but more often it is for the selfish quest to neglect the importance of life. 

Our lives will be evaluated one day before the Lord, it can be a frightening thought, but it is very true. What will be revealed before the Lord? The measure of this man will be great before the Lord.  How do I know? Scripture reveals the truth if only we will humble ourselves to listen to it. It is not only those who listen to it but obey it.  He obeyed the Word of the Lord. 

A beautiful fact about my uncle, he never had any children of his own, but the legacy he left is too numerous to count, I am blessed to be one of them. My favorite memories are of my uncle praying with me before I would preach for the anointing of God to fall afresh.  After he would pray, he would say, "Tina, give it to them, give them the Word!" When I would leave the pulpit, to walk next to the organ, my aunt would smile with tears of joy upon her face. The first face I would see as I walked from the platform would be my uncle who smiled with pride for my obedience to God. The most cherished last words of my uncle, I love and I pray for you. 

He served the Lord with fervor, fear, and dedication to understanding his life was not his own. He faithfully loved the Lord and my Aunt Elaine until his final breath. Yet, the legacy he left, his entire family came to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as well. Still, his legacy leaves on, our faith will always be what has united us, keeps us, and one day reunites us. What a beautiful life! He served his country, his wife, his family, and his Savior with love and duty. He is the measure of a godly man who did good in the sight of the Lord. Until we meet again...I love you, Uncle Ed. 

REST FOR A WEARY SOUL

   

 Often when we are wounded; we will retreat to our own cave of isolation.  Sometimes isolation from the noise of life has it's place; rest isn't a sin.  If anything God even rested after creating the world, so if He needed, so do I.  Yet, if we are not careful the isolation can cause us to forget our purpose on earth, we were not created to be alone.  Nevertheless, a few years ago, I went through some intense trials within my family, it was a traumatic time in my life.  To be truthfully honest, the trauma caused me to have a crisis not only within my life; it was within my soul.  It's not a period I want to relive but sadly within my mind, I have re-played the events over and over to the point of evaluating my decisions for myself and my family.  

 Still, within the coldness of the cave, I could feel it caressing my skin to bring calmness to the pain of the reality I stood.  As the wind howled through the entrance of the cave, I stood frozen to the ground.  Although the world was spinning outside the cave; I stood frozen in disbelief at what my family was just exposed to.  Yet, isn't that what trauma does?  It comes unexpectedly, a heartbreaking shock, and your mind is so overwhelmed you can't feel your body breathe.  Simply breathe...to prove to yourself you are alive but you are in the deepest pain of your soul.  Oh, to scream!  It would be a wonderful delight to allow the pain to come forth but it will reveal your presence.  It will cause some people to question your madness, some come to comfort as the friends of Job's, while the majority ignore the desperation of your scream.  So, you remain silent in isolation to prevent revealing your presence or drawing undue pain to those you love.  Oh, the hearts of the weary who long for rest!  Rest from the wolves who tore into my life so deeply with their teeth into my veins.  Yet, the pain is so deep the ice has started to frost my vision of God or distort the truth with its plaguing questions of doubt, unbelief, and fear.  

Numbness falls quickly as the dark twilight of the night emerges without solace or friends.  The numbness is a companion of the dread in which I stand.  God's voice is silent, no friends to depend upon, and the pain deepens with each breath.  The cave isolates not those who can conflict with pain but it isolates them from the opportunity of life or healing.  Love, peace, and healing are truly the hope of the weary soul but the fear of rejection, being misunderstood or doubting your faith could cause the choir to hush.  It's the reality of where your life stands in the midst of trauma.  

 Unbelief whispers questions about your worth before the Almighty as the dust of the ashes falls.  Doubt points to the reality of where you are.  Fear holds your feet, so the mustard seed of faith can't be seen.  The ache of your beloved's longing to come as the morning sun.   Although we seek solace or seek to gain an understanding of what's happening, we can lose a piece of our heart with our questions.  Questions of wondering, "Did I handle the situation right?"  "Did I make the right decision for my children?  How do I rebuild my life outside this cave?  Is it worth the risk?  

IF I REMAIN IN THE CAVE; IT WILL TURN INTO A TOMB'

God didn't create our lives to be a walking tomb; He created us for life.  Truthfully, life at times will not make sense, pain is a reality, but the truth of God's Word and His character will prevail.  How can I be sure?  Jesus is still the Good Shepherd.  When your beloved calls your name, your aching heart thirsts to answer the call even if it's just a whisper.   He hears it!  A shepherd will search endlessly to be reunited with his sheep, regardless of the terrible location of the cave.  What truly brought me out of the cave, was truly being alone to hear the voice of the Shepherd.  I didn't answer the first call but as the Holy Spirit keep prompting me, I obeyed to come.  During a weekend stay at a hotel, I was determined to hear the voice of God, I wanted to be alone to pray until I heard Him.  So, I will share what He told me, "Let Me lead you to see MY goodness."  The Holy Spirit led me to two places in Scripture Psalm 23 and Psalm 34:18 and then told me to sleep.  

WHEN THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I LACK NOTHING!  He desires to take me out of the cave to a place of GREEN PASTURES and LEADS BESIDE QUITE WATERS.  He knows I need rest, tranquility, and substance for my soul.  Yet, so many times we run what He offers.  He wants to REFRESH my soul.  We can rest assured of His desire; it's His name-FAITHFULLNESS and TRUTH!

Although darkness came, it will not conquer me because death has been defeated by the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  So, as His child, I will rest in knowing His goodness and love will follow me ALL the day of my life.  Even in the darkest times of my life, I am not out of His sight or care.  

As Toby Mac sang in The Elements, "I get my head right, my heart has to follow."  Beloved, God is calling you out of the cave, don't be afraid to answer.   I pray the Spirit of the Lord will give you strength to step out of the cave and breathe life into you.

  

HONORING MY SECOND MOTHER

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised." Proverbs 31:30

When I walked across the street of my uncle and aunt's house, I wasn't prepared for my final meeting with my aunt at the funeral home.  The funeral director met me at the door.  She said, "we prepared a special room for you."  I humbly thanked her and wasn't sure how to feel.  As I opened the door, I saw her casket at the need of the room.  I froze in dismay; I didn't want it to be true.  As I stepped closer to her, I could feel my heart deflate or stepped upon.  As I finally made it to the first pew of chairs, I was very shocked at the music selection of the funeral home--instrumental hymns played with piano music only.  My first reaction was, "Seriously, do you have any idea what you did?" Oh, my tears poured like a river, I couldn't prevent it.  Nevertheless, what I did may astound you or someone who doesn't know our story or her precious talents.  My final meeting with my aunt was worshipping the Lord together, it was profound.  It was perfect and God ordained.  Also, what she would have wanted me to do.  

 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

What a precious promise to show God never abandons us especially in grief. In the Word of God, we are promised the Holy Spirit will come as a Comforter to us. (John 14:16) Regardless of how long we live upon this earth, there will be a time under Heaven to mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:4) 

Even in the depth of this pain, we have a promise of never being alone and comforted. It's not a sin to mourn, it's a process of allowing God to work through the pain. It's important to allow God to work during this time, He will minister to your spirit. Although the tears may be many, He bottles them. (Psalm 56:8)

All the steps of our lives have a purpose but none are without His presence.

God's Word's is eternal but it's also a blessed gift passed down from one generation to the next.  It will never pass away!  Yet, the vessel God uses to pour into your life, it will mark your life.  

Sadly, we will experience pain in this life, but we will experience love as well.  A gentle, peaceful, loving, and anointed woman of God was before me when I first met her.  Besides being the church pianist and organ player, she taught the Word of God.  She was powerful, anointed, and never apologize for preaching the truth.  During my youth she played a vital role in teaching me how to study the Word, how to pray through, and discipled me.  Yet, she was only one of the few people who I could share my intimate struggles or allowed to speak into my life.  Also, disciplined me, when necessary, I would always listen to her.  It was either her or my mother who God used to nurture me in the faith.  So, the final service together was necessary and profound.

As Elisha waited for the mantel of Elijah departure, I could understand the significance.  It’s truly how I felt at this moment.  Yet, how can I honor her?   No words, feelings, or actions can express my deepest desire.  My heart is filled with so many memories of laughter, prayer, and love.  How do I fill your shoes? Or how do I take the mantel? 

Although she had no biological children, I felt as if I was one of hers.  Even when I couldn’t share my own struggles with my mother, I could trust her with my heart.  Usually during our conversations, she would give a simple and profound word to me, I treasured them.  The two weeks during the summer I would stay with her and my uncle, we would pray, study the Word and listening to Gather’s Worship music.  Also, dinner out and shopping was a must to complete the visit.  I never once questioned if she loved me or believed in me, she was my mentor and hero. 

Her music ability is profound, I loved to listen to her play the piano as she worshipped the Lord.  Nevertheless, the greatest gift she gave me was her love for the Word and how to study it.  Also, the endless nights of prayer to intercede with me for my burdens.  She was a godly example, never had an ill word toward anyone, and loved to talk.

My favorite quote from my aunt, “Only two people are needed for revival: you and God.”  “So, wrestle in prayer until you touch God.”  “Revival is closer than you think.”

Honor is thanking someone who invested in your life, following the lessons of the teacher, and passing the baton to the next generation.  It doesn’t allow it to fall but to grasp it until the race is done.  As Paul said, "Follow me as I follow Christ." That's how I will honor you. I will preach the truth, walk in the Spirit, and love as you taught me.

Until we met again….

 

 

 

WEEPING BETWEEN THE PORCH AND THE ALTAR

For the last several years, my heart has ached in pain.  A ruthless pain beyond description, unfamiliar, and it was paralyzing me.  Regardless of what I did, the pain wouldn't escape although I cried relentlessly.  My faith was present but it's resembled a smoldering wick in the wind, the enemy was waiting for it to blow out.  Trial upon trial hit my family for two years, it felt as if this season would never end.  Nevertheless, when a trial comes, God has my full undivided attention.  

All of my dreams, expectations, and the faith of my family hung in the balance.  Trauma affects the victim but don't be deceived into believing it doesn't affect the victim's family.  Angry, frustrated, torn upon my beliefs, convictions, and even broken-hearted over decisions of leadership.  Ashes were all I could feel, the soot smeared not only upon my hands but into my heart.  Darkness swirled around me due to the brokenness of my family but the ashes keep smearing on the floor with my tears.  No matter where I stood the wind blew me into a different direction or down again.  How could I minister to my family?  Others?  So, instead of being the outspoken prophet, I was found weeping between the porch and the altar.  

JOEL 2:17 says: “Let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep between the porch and the altar, and let them say, Spare thy people, O LORD, and give not thine heritage to reproach, that the heathen should rule over them: wherefore should they say among the people, Where is their God?”

As the darkness grew around me, I didn't want to hear from ministers or personally share what was happening in my life.  Truthfully, only a handful of trusted friends and my pastor knew but the battle was fierce.  Instead of the Job's friends at my feet; they were in my head.  As I carefully examined my heart during the two years of intense trials of my walk with Christ, I withdrew to solitude.  

Yet, I found comfort in this passage, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." 1 Kings 19:7  

Beloved, if the journey feels too much, you are not alone; it's not the first time a soldier has felt the heat.  Elijah is probably my favorite prophet in the Bible, he walked in the Holy Spirit before the outpouring.  He walked in the miraculous, was bold, and preached the truth before man.  Nevertheless, he was overwhelmed with fear, physically famished, and exhausted.  Elijah acted differently, he left his servant and went away to be alone.  Truthfully, Elijah had enough, he didn't want to deal with it anymore.  Oh, I can relate to the man!  Can you?  It's important when we feel overwhelmed, we are taking an evaluation of how we are eating and sleeping.  The angel of the Lord fed Elijah and allowed him to rest.  After resting, Elijah traveled for forty days and nights to Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into the cave and spent the night. (1 Kings 19:8-9)   

Elijah entered the cave WITHOUT God's instructions; he went on his own accord.  He didn't enter to pray with God or to find shelter from a storm.  He went inside to hide from the battle, he didn't want to fight anymore.  He felt alone.  According to Scripture in 1 Kings 19:10, He replied, "I have been zealous for the Lord God Almighty.  The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword.  I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

Elijah didn't like the results from his previous assignment; no one stood with him.  He was the only one standing for God and he was about to be snuffed out.  From the evidence of his people, Elijah didn't see a promising future.  No one was following God's covenant, coming to the altar for prayer, and silenced those who spoke the true Word of God.  

During the end of this trial, God brought 1 Kings 19:11-13 to my mind.  As I meditated on this passage, I hope what I learned will help you.  (Please read this passage)

1.  Elijah had to position himself to hear from God - He went to the mountain in the presence of the Lord.

2.  A great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, BUT the Lord was not in the wind.   Although the circumstance is tearing you apart and appear extremely powerful, it's not God's doing.  God is powerful but it's not His power we question during these times, it's what is He doing?  Why is this happening?  

3.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  Beloved, don't look at the wind or tremble at what is bringing you to your knees, it's not going to destroy you.  Our thoughts can toss us to and fro but we have to remain steadfast in WHO God is!  We can rest in His integrity; He is a God who doesn't lie!  Although it may be getting more intense; it will only push you to hear a gentle whisper.  Yet the wind, earthquake, and fire can try to prevent us from desiring to hear God's voice.

Only the gentle whisper of God's voice is going to move you to the opening of the cave!

Don't allow the circumstances to overwhelm you, be mesmerized by their power, and prevent your heart of what you need most - HIS GENTLE WHISPER.

THE LORD IS A WARRIOR

Exodus 15:3, “The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name.”  

     

It’s easy to find the joyful words after the victory is won; it’s another to maintain during the battle.  It’s important to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ, it’s vital especially when we are encountering an attack.  Regardless if you have been saved for an hour or twenty years, eventually spiritual warfare will be encountered in your life.  As children of God we must be alert, prepared, and trust in the instructions of our Commander-Jesus Christ.  If you would follow along with me in Exodus 14:1-20, to learn some important battle strategies to prepare for warfare.  First, we must understand God has a plan for this battle.  God isn’t un-prepared, surprised of the enemy’s tactics, or sleeping.  God is working out a plan to bring victory in your life.  It doesn’t always make sense what’s happening, but God is placing you in perfect position to defeat you enemy.  According to Exodus 14:1-3, God counsels Moses to turn back and encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol by the sea.  God reveals His purpose to Moses in powerful move: to confuse his enemy and to lure the enemy to believe we are powerless to attack.  Keep in mind, the children of Israel are in the middle of the desert with no weapons or protection.  Yet, it caused the enemy to march right into God’s trap!

Second, God truly knows how to destroy your enemy with a SECRET WEAPON.  If you haven’t discovered it already in Scripture, God knows our hearts perfectly even our enemies.  According to Exodus 14:4, “And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will pursue them.  God is aware of the enemy’s pursuit to destroy you-it’s revealed in the heart.  Our words will reveal our heart, it’s that simple.  It’s the quickest and surest way to reveal our level of faith in the battle.  If our faith is weak, we need the nourishment of God’s Word to stand.  Pharaoh’s desire was to place the children of Israel back into bondage.  It’s NEVER God’s desire for us to return to the way of the past or our weakness.  God doesn’t desire for us to walk in bondage but in the light!  We must be willing to trust in who God is and His power to rescue us.  God will never neglect to protect His children, but His plan will always REVEAL HIS GLORY.  God’s not only going to reveal His power to you; He will reveal it to your enemy.  God wants to reveal Himself to build your faith, show He can be trusted, and to bring about a fearful reverence. 

Thirdly, if we lose the battle; it doesn’t mean we lost the war.  God is in our midst even when the enemy savagely pursues us.  As the Egyptians boldly pursued the Israelite's with six hundred of the best chariots and more chariots with officials, they were overtaken. (Exodus 14:7-9) Our enemy will always use our physical circumstances to intimidate us to surrender.  Yet, our greatest weapon is our voice!  Satan wants us to remain silent, be fixed upon his power to attack us, and will place us in a powerless state-we will feel surrounded.  Nevertheless, our greatest weapon when we are encountering spiritual warfare is crying out to God!  When we look up; Satan will always fall.  A vital key to walking in victory is refusing to speak words of defeat, fear, and blaming others.  Sadly, the children of Israel attacked the leadership of Moses and God himself.  Yet, Moses taught the children of Israel a powerful strategy to defeat the enemy in Exodus 14:13-14.  Quit being afraid!  Stand firm in God’s Word so it will bring about the deliverance you need.  It’s only when we stand firm; the enemy can’t gain any ground.  God has provided the weapons, His protection, and His promise.  God hasn’t left you during the battle; He is standing in your midst.  He is just waiting for you to look to Him with confidence.

STANDING IN THE BATTLEFIELD

Circumstances arise to cause either our faith to arise or to bring silence; there are no other choices.  Either we can allow fear to keep us isolated from confronting the situation or we can stand against it.  Yet, it’s hard to gain the strength to fight when no one is supporting you.  It’s a feeling of completely hopelessness as the circumstances continue to come against you.  Yet, we forget an important truth: there is a warrior inside of you!  Now it may not “feel as if you are standing in the battlefield” but it’s right where you are.  With a target upon your back, the enemy is completely prepared for battle to destroy your faith, your marriage, and you life.  It’s not a comfortable place to be but warfare is never meant to be.  It’s time to arise from the ashes!  

Arising from the ashes takes courage, learning how to fight, and an un-shakeable faith in God.  Although the battle lines are drawn, God hasn’t left you powerless.  It’s really on how you “see” the situation.  It’s important to understand how to see in our circumstances, so please turn to 2 Kings 6:8-22.    

 Standing in the battlefield isn’t for the faint of heart; it’s where the warrior wife is born.  

It’s the perfect place to understand the enemy of your soul has placed a PERSONAL attack again you.  Why?  Look at 2 Kings 6:8, “Now the king of Aram WAS AT WAR WITH ISRAEL.”  So, this king decides to attack the children of Israel WHO BELONG TO GOD!  You are a target for the enemy when you choose to love God.  No matter if you have only been saved for an hour or ten years the enemy of your soul will attack you.  Yet, there is no reason to panic!  Yet, this is what the enemy desires to keep our heart in.  He will attack your peace, your ability to think clearly, and keep your heart in a state of panic.    

 So, what has you in a state of panic?  Keep in mind, we will face different seasons in our life and in our marriage but it doesn’t mean we are alone.  What is completely beautiful about the story found in 2 Kings 6:8-22; we get insight on how the enemy fights.  First, we must understand he has a strategic plan to be carried out by his army.  Satan is looking for the attack!  (1 Peter 5:8)  Yet, God’s Word tells us in the passage of 1 Peter 5:8 to be sober-minded and alert of our enemy.  A sober-mind is able to think clearly, discern, and be calm during the attack of the enemy.  Secondly, Elisha was able to discern the battle plan of the king of Aram.  God didn’t want the children of Israel to be attacked; He protected the children of Israel at every turn.  He not only protected the children of Israel; He frustrated the plans of the enemy.  According to verse 11, the king of Aram was ENRAGED and believed a mole was within his midst.  God is completely aware of the enemy’s schemes and attacks.  The king of Israel listened and obeyed the instructions of Elisha.  So, it’s important to realize the important of not only our prayer life but the ability to walk in the Spirit.  God will ALWAYS speak to us but we have to be still to hear Him.  Also, when He speaks we listen and obey.  Next, the battle plan grew more intense; the king of Aram had a personal vendetta against Elisha.  However, look at how his plan un-folded: he found out where he lived, he wanted to destroy him, and sent strong forces in the night.  Keep in mind, the enemy carried out his plan while Elisha was sleeping.  It wasn’t until he was awake; he found the enemy at his doorstep completely surrounded.  That’s how the enemy wants you to feel completely surrounded with no escape in sight.  He isn’t naïve to who you are or your address!  So, the question is how do you “see” the situation?

 Elisha and his servant saw the same situation but each had a different outcome.  Elisha’s servant was in a state of panic and afraid of what to do.  That’s what the enemy wants us to do is be in a state of panic and afraid; he wants us to look at the physical situation.  It’s impossible to overcome in our own ability or strength because the forces against are strong.  Yet, as Elisha said, “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”  Beloved, you are able to be a mighty warrior because your Commander in Chief doesn’t sleep or slumber.  Not only is He aware of the battle again you; He is ready to attack!  As God instructed Elisha how to attack his enemies; God will do the same for you.  It’s just being un-shakeable in your faith in the God you know and love.            

SHIPWRECKED BY THE SHORE

"Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned.  Three times I was shipwrecked.  Once I spent a whole night and day a drift at sea."  2 Corinthians 11:25

The Apostle Paul experience severe persecution and hardships for his faith in Christ; although he once persecuted the church.  As a believer, I pray I am able to stand strong as the Apostle Paul when my faith has been tested.  Not only was Paul's conversion miraculous; the testimony of honoring Christ was truly shown in his life.  How do we know?  Well, Paul wrote a very good portion of the New Testament.  What an amazing and powerful work of the Holy Spirit!  Yet, may we never forget God's working in our lives; a powerful work to bring glory to God.

  

Nevertheless, I can't seem to get this metaphor out of my head spoken from a spiritual mentor in my life.  "Tina, your heart has been shattered."  "It's been shipwrecked by the shore."  "What are you going to do with it?"  "Are you just going to sit by the shoreline?"  "Or do you want to re-build the boat and begin again?"  Since graduating from college, it hasn't been smooth sailing.  Honestly, I didn't expect it to be, I wasn't naive about the call of God upon my life.  My precious Savior wasn't spared disappointment, ridicule, was spit upon, and crucified.  So, I expected persecution, people misunderstand the role of women in church, and my life being carefully watched.  Yet, I was willing to give my life; Christ called me to preach.  It has been my drive to honor Christ with my life; one day to lay a crown of worship at His feet.   

Matthew 10:24 says, "The student is not above the teacher, nor a servant above his master."  

I have never been beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked, or spent a night a drift at sea.  Yet, my heart has taken a severe beating, I am truly shocked of the wreckage.  I am overwhelmed with the aftermath of the damage of my heart; my faith is the weakest in my life.  Sadly, as leaders we are not allowed to show our hearts, our weakness, or our struggles with our faith.  It's difficult to keep offering Biblical Counsel or the Word to watch someone ignore your warnings or assistance.  Understand, it's Biblical to live a life of approach but I am afraid the spirit of "being perfect" has robbed our leaders.  It's robbed leaders of truly being truthful or to seek accountability, joy of serving Christ or others, and brought utter loneliness.  At this moment, the wreckage has left me completely speechless, I can't speak.  I can't move.  It's difficult to breath.  My heart is shattered in a million pieces about to drift out into the sea.  Who will gather it?  Who will help me pick-up the pieces?  

A vessel only has two fold purpose: to be poured out and re-filled.  It's truly the heart of a minister who longs to serve.  It's investing in the broken lives of people who need Jesus.  It's an investment of your time, money, and your complete heart.  Also, if your married and have children, it's important to nourish and protect those relationships.  Nevertheless, the call of God doesn't escape your families sacrifice.  Oh, it's a balancing act for sure; it was instilled very quickly while in Bible College.  Yet, what do you do when the vessel is broken?   I understood the cost-my personal cost.  Yet, what has broken my heart has been the damage to my family.  As a wife and mother, I have carefully and prayerfully watched where my family is spiritually.  It's more important than ministry; it's a calling from God as well.  With mounting past disappointments in ministry, a recent tragic event upon one of my children, another child who has backslid-den and the fire of God slowly leaving my husband's heart.  I am pausing to reflect, pray, and waiting on God to move within there hearts.  The waves have taken a beating; I am shattered on the shore.  Do I doubt God's promises or His Word?  Never!  Yet, I keep looking with my heart, "Lord, what did I do wrong?"  "Where did I miss your guidance or direction?  

Am I able to risk the salvation of my household?  Am I willing to allow the call of God to divide my marriage?  Oh, the tug of war within my heart!  To honor my husband or follow the call of the Beloved, the one I love most.  My beloved who I cherish above all and desire to please the most.  What about when I give an account for my life; it creates a deep fear within my heart to disappointed God.  Yet, this tug of war is leaving me joyless, frustrated, and completely tired.  At the moment, I can hold to what I know to be true.  Nothing gives me more joy than to serve the Lord, I love it.  To be a co-laborer with Christ at the altar, it's my favorite place to be.  Also, to share the Word with those who are hungry to hear it.  It's a personal call to follow Christ, where He leads I will follow.  Our walk of faith will never mirror someone else's; it will be different for each of us.  

Yet, the wreckage is leaving a question if I will re-build the boat or will I remain at the shore?  No one truly understands the strength, prayer, and belief it took to make it to shore.  Elijah went into the cave because of fear; God didn't call him there.  (I Kings 19:11-13)  Yet, I understand why he sought refuge there.  What brought the great prophet out?  It wasn't the earthquake, the mighty wind, or the fire.  Only the voice and presence of God drew him out to the entrance of the cave.  It was the soft, beautiful, and loving voice of God.  That's what I am waiting for, hunger for, and refuse to move until He speaks.  A smoldering wick He will not snuff out.......although I am close.  Yet, I must allow God to mend the pieces; a work I so desperately need.