Thursday, June 16, 2011

Broken Tears

I am speechless.   Have you ever been there?  Although there is a desire for intimacy, no words can express what you are feeling.  A heavy heart weighs one’s spirit to utter exhaustion, frustration, and fear.  Sometimes, it causes one to withdraw from everyone, so we seek a place of solitude.  We desire a place to hide from the “stress of life” or what’s really bothering us.  Although we try to hide from it, we can’t seem to get rid of it.  We have no place to run or peace within. 
      Recently at the dinner table, my family expressed their concern about my lack of involvement with the family.  Yes, I was present physically but my heart was elsewhere.  All of my daily responsibilities were complete but my family felt deprived.  So, I finally had to explain to my children what was wrong.  Although I expressed my troubles with my children, I still couldn’t express my fear.  I am the adult, the responsible one who is supposed to be strong.  Yet, my world was collapsing around me.   
     Since I was a child, I always desired a healthy relationship with my father.   When I got married or had children, I desired for my father to be involved with my life.  Our relationship has never been close, so I have learned to accept it.  Also, I have to protect myself from allowing his alcoholic episodes to destroy me, until a few days ago.  While at work, I received several calls, text messages, and voicemails to urgently call home.  After excusing myself, I returned my mother’s phone call.  (My parent's are divorced, she heard from his family)  As I listened closed, my heart was breaking.  My father was in the hospital, he was very sick.  For several weeks, my father couldn’t keep food or water down, his weight was drastically dropping.  Out of cries of desperation, my aunt was able to talk him into visiting the hospital.  As we waited for the test results, I couldn’t “feel” anything.  It seemed all of my hopes, dreams, and life was slipping away.  Besides the fear of losing my father, I worried about his eternal soul.  As a Christian, I have shared the Gospel message with my father on several occasions.  It’s not only my responsibility; it’s my calling to share it.  Has the message been received?  Only my father and God can truly express the truth.  As we got the news, “he has cancer,” the Lord reminded me of Hezekiah.  
     Before I called my father, I prayed.  During the conversation, my father expressed his fears, the doctor’s report, and desired prayer.  So, I prayed with him.  At that moment, I felt hope was still flickering.  After praying for him, I shared the story of Hezekiah with him. (2 Kings 20:1-6)  According to scripture, Hezekiah was at the point of death.  The prophet, Isaiah, advised the king to get his house in order, Hezekiah was going to die.  As death was knocking, hope was closing the door until Hezekiah prayed.  Who wouldn’t weep bitterly over the thought of death?  It’s coming, there is no escape.  What’s so amazing, Hezekiah prompts God to remember how he walked on earth.  Hezekiah wasn’t just faithful but whole heartedly devoted to God before His eyes. 
I Peter 3:12 “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
   God is attentive to the prayers of the righteous; He is attentive to the cries.  As a mother attends to her child’s cries, so does God.  He runs to me.  Although I can’t move, He lifts me up.  In His presence, I get the strength, the peace, and comfort under His wings.  Sometimes, my tears can only express my heart.   What I love about God, He completely knows me.  Words can’t express my burdens, my heart is so torn.  As I weep before God, I am so grateful He knows.   I don’t have to hide it; I can quietly expose my heart without any words spoken.